


Inside Your Mind

by Stagcore



Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Alec is a good boyfriend, Angst with a Happy Ending, Character Study, Disassociation, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Episode: s02e15 A Problem of Memory, Heavy Angst, Hurt Magnus Bane, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Intrusive Thoughts, Loss of Control, M/M, Magnus Bane Has Panic Attacks, Mental Breakdown, Nightmares, Not Canon Compliant, Panic Attacks, Protective Alec Lightwood
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-21
Updated: 2018-12-21
Packaged: 2019-09-06 10:28:43
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,348
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16830838
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Stagcore/pseuds/Stagcore
Summary: "There you are," A familiar voice pulls him out of his reverie and Magnus welcomes the distraction. Holding the now luke-warm cup of tea, he spins round and puts on a smile.That's all he could do and it wore him down more than anything.





	Inside Your Mind

The nightmare had woke Magnus from his sleep. Staring a hole into the ceiling and blinking back tears, he decided against waking Alec up and instead,made himself a cup of tea whilst he sat at the mirror. It was unlikely that he was going back to sleep and in an effort to appear more 'fine', he put make up on.

Or at least he tried. His hands were shaking too much to do anything accept to sit and hold the warm cup . Besides, any make up he put on would just be cried off. 

So Magnus sat and stared at himself in the mirror, analysing each detail of his face. From his golden brown skin to his eyes. Taking the Glamour off, Magnus flinched as his cat eyes appeared. He wondered what others would say if they saw him. The Mundanes would stare and whisper amongst themselves at the man's eyes that were surely contacts and the Shadowhunters would look in thinly veiled disgust. 

_Well, not all shadowhunters._ He silently reasoned with himself. He could hear Alec's soft snores through the door that he left open. 

Looking back at himself he began to think back to the dream. He was used to nightmares but after everything that happened with Azazel and the body swapping, Magnus hadn't been able to keep the cool, collected mask over his face and the bad thoughts away in a box at the back of his mind that he never opened. 

He remembered it so clearly, like it had happened yesterday, not 400 years ago. 

"There you are," A familiar voice pulls him out of his reverie and Magnus welcomes the distraction. Holding the now luke-warm cup of tea, he spins round and puts on a smile.

That's all he could do and it wore him down more than anything.

"This is like, the fourth morning in a row that I've woken up to an empty bed. Is something bothering you?"

_Yes_ He wants to scream but he knew how guilty Alec was for the body swapping. For not believing him when he said he wasn't Valentine, for watching as he was tortured over and over again by Alec's people.

So swallowing past the lump in his throat and the tears that threatened to spill from his eyes, Magnus puts a mask of confidence and happiness on. The walls go back up and Magnus is sure not to let them back down. Not yet.

"Alexander, I'm fine." He laughs it off but he can feel it bubbling up in his chest. The sadness, the resentment, the anger. He wants desperately to to get it out but it was never in his nature to ask for help.

The changing of the topic breathes relief into his body like he had been drowning and suddenly the water in his lungs turns to air again. Busying himself, Magnus tries extra hard to blink the tears away. Staring at the cold cup of tea, he lets the surroundings fade away. Let Alec's voice become part of the background noise.

Images of his mother with the Keris sticking out of her body, blood blooming her beautiful white dress made him flinch. Dropping the cup to the floor he watched in bewilderment as the tea ran through the shards and into the floor.

The image of his Mama and the blood violently pooling around her showed it's ugly head and Magnus flinched again. Now was not the time for this. 

"Magnus?" Alec squeezed his shoulder as he guided him away from the mess. He's pretty sure that there's pieces of china in his feet but he can't seem to feel it and when he does it brings just the right amount of pain to silence the thoughts in his head. 

"Hey, hey, Magnus?" He can clearly see the worry in his boyfriend's eyes as he focuses on what is in-front of him. He's sat on the chair and Alec is bringing out the very little first aid box. It was rare that either of them needed a first aid box since Alec could Iratze any injuries away and Magnus could heal himself with the click of a finger, however, Iratze's cannot be used on Downworlder's and Magnus was in no fit to do any magic. 

This was confirmed when Magnus clicked his finger and a lightbulb blew. 

Looking up into Alec's eyes, Magnus saw the concern and well cloaked fear that resided there. He felt guilty, but he knew that any attempt to reassure his boyfriend would be brushed off. It had been a while since this had happened and the loss of control over his magic only served to make him panic more. What if he hurt Alexander just like he hurt his step-dad?. What if Alec left because he thought he was dangerous? That he was a monster?

The questions whirled around his head so quickly he thought he was going to be sick. His breath quickened and panic began to rise up in his throat like poison. Throwing up luckily into a nearby trash can, Magnus felt a warm hand touch his shoulder and flinched. Yes, tender touches came now but later, when Alec realised what a state he was in, those touches would turn rough and hurtful.

_No, that's not right. This is Alec, his Alexander. Not Camille. Never again Camille_ When all the specks and pieces of perfectly white china was cleared from the warlock's feet, Alec sat cross from Magnus, giving him room enough to run if he felt trapped. Alec had experienced panic attacks and he knew what worked best for him (physical contact and reassurance) but he wasn't sure what Magnus would help Magnus or make him worse.

"Magnus, babe, what do you need?" Alec asked as he bit at his lip. Magnus hadn't moved much through the whole ordeal and it was beginning to scare the shadowhunter. 

Magnus shifted his gaze from the far away wall to his boyfriend and let out a sigh. He had calmed down and his breathing was just slightly faster than what it had been. Alec counted this as a blessing.

"I never wanted you to see this terrible, ugly side of me"

He whispered and Alec opened his mouth to argue and closed it again. This was not the time for arguing.

"Magnus, can I touch you?" Alec said, carefully watching Magnus' reaction. When he nodded, Alec waited a second in case his boyfriend changed his mind and then pulled him into a hug. They stayed there on the couch until Magnus pulled away slightly. Alec let him go although he missed the warmth. 

"Alec, the agony rune. It made me feel things that I've spent an eternity trying to forget. It opened up old wounds and scars and memories that are burned into the backs of my eyes." He said as he bit on his lips. "I guess, everything, the nightmares, the _incident_ it-it was the straw that broke the camels back, so to speak" He chuckled weakly, eyes filling with tears he refused to let fall. Magnus felt the urge to apologise as shame made his cheeks blush but before he could say anything Alec shushed him. 

"Don't apologise for this," Alec gestured as he wiped a stray tear from Magnus' face. "I'm here for you and I love you, remember? Let me in"

So that's what Magnus did. He told Alec his rough history. About the shame and guilt and the pain he had felt after his mother took her own life. Alec sat, patiently and let his boyfriend talk. Not interrupting. And when Magnus got to the end, he wrapped him in a hug. Magnus felt like Alec was trying to keep him together. The way you might hold a cup together after gluing all the pieces back together.

"I love you," Alec whispered as he kissed Magnus' forehead. The warlock had fallen asleep and Alec watched over him, making sure that if Magnus did have any nightmares, he was there to help him through it. Like a guardian angel....


End file.
